Scott Wahrenberger

Another Irish Family Reunion

It was a bad idea anyhow. However after a keg of beer and fifth of Jack Daniels split between Paddy, Shamus the Large, and Angus it seemed like an idea. At four in the morning anything sounded good. Paddy and Shamus laughed as they put the collar and leash on Kat, Paddy’s one hundred fifty pound German Shepard.

Kat drooled on the carpet in his usual carefree manner.

Shamus the Large slipped on it and crashed through a closed door. Paddy shrugged it off, and Angus citing the fact he could still see better than any of them volunteered to drive. He, as Paddy peeled Shamus the Large off of the floor, all six hundred and fifty five pounds of him, Angus posed Kat in the drivers seat. He placed the Shepard’s paws on the steering wheel, scooted partially under the dog so his feet could touch the pedals. He then turned the ignition key, flipped on the headlights and tooted the car horn. Paddy and Shamus tumbled into the back of the mighty Ford Escort, it leaned to the side Shamus sat on and Angus backed the car out of the driveway slowly and using the side mirror. Angus took the left from Alquin St. and slowly moved down Romine Ave. toward McKeesport.

As they slowly crept past the municipal building Shamus began to stutter and sputter as he pointed at Kat which seemed to be enjoying his driving experience as it is.

My God!” Shamus shrieked. “The dog…he’s driving!”

So?” Angus said trying, successfully not to laugh. “He does have a license.”

A dog license,” Paddy said slowly as Kat began to bark at a woman standing at the service station waiting to cross the street to the Motor-Mini-Mart.

She stood there and turned her head as the blue compact slowly wheeled past. Kat did actually look like he was driving. Her knees buckled as she passed out. Paddy and Shamus didn’t notice, Angus of course saw it all in the rear view.

Here we are at St. Joseph’s,” Angus said as he steered it into the empty lot. “We’ll change here.”

My car,” Paddy said as he exited the vehicle. “I’m driving!”

You’re sitting in back,” Shamus the Large, said as he got out.

Angus shrugged and as he went to leave Kat leaped from the vehicle and began to run about the parking lot. Paddy shouted to Kat and began to chase him, Shamus attempted to help and Angus got in the back seat. Shamus corralled Kat and forced him into the back of the car, he then jumped the seat and got behind the steering wheel.

He’s in the car!” Shamus shouted to Paddy who is huffing and puffing and nearly bowled over the hood. He then got into the back seat and Paddy got into the front passenger seat.

All three looked at Kat who sat there with his paws on the wheel slobbering. Kat seemed to be smiling.

Okay,” Angus said. “I’ll move him.”

Angus got out of the backseat and proceeded to move Kat by force. He managed to end up in front of the car holding Kat against his chest as the dogs’ paws thrash around in mind air. Paddy slid behind the steering wheel. Angus dumped Kat in the back seat and slammed the door shut. Shamus sat there passively as Kat leaped the seat again and darted out as Angus opened the passenger side door. Shamus blew wind loudly and volunteered to help.

Aw what the hell,” Paddy spat as he got out of the drivers seat and began to chase the dog. Kat circled around three or four times before jumping in the front behind the wheel and assuming the driving position.

Gotch’a!” Paddy yelled in triumph and slammed the door he then ran around to the other side and got in the passengers’ rear, Angus got in next to him and Shamus found himself up front.

Smooth,” Angus said as he stared blankly at the back of Kats’ head, the pointy black German Shepard’s ears twitch randomly.

Fuck it.” Shamus said disgustedly. “I say we let him drive.”

With the car parked, the four stood in the parking lot of Eat’n Park. At four thirty in the morning only a few other cars are there. Looking into the restaurant they could see two waitresses in the traditional green skirts glide about. They shrugged at got into the dinner when one of the green clad food delivery goddesses stopped them.

Excuse me,” she bubbled as she walked over to the group. “You can’t bring a dog in here.”

He ain’t a dog,” Paddy said seriously.

Well what is he?” the waitress with braided brown hair replied sharply. “He’s a German Shepard.”

Kat sniffed the air and drooled.

He’s our friend…” Shamus belched. “He’s sick.”

Why do I get all the drunks?” the waitress said whipping a stack of brown menus under her left arm. “Okay what’s his problem?”

German measles,” Shamus said and giggled slightly.

Oh funny,” she sneered. “Get the hell out of my dinner or I’ll call the cops…”

Kat got up and in a gesture of over friendliness common to dogs everywhere smelled her crotch and snorted loudly.

Oh you’re so cute!” the waitress said like she was talking to a child while attempting to push him away by using his collar as a handle. She blushed.

He does that and he’s cute,” Paddy shrugged. “I do that and I get put in jail!”

Oh you insinuating puke!” the waitress hissed like a snake. She smacked Paddy with the stack of nylon-clad menus. Not once but with repetitive strikes fore and aft. Paddy backed up rapidly and tripped over his own two feet and fell into the salad bar. Angus turned to help Paddy and the waitress began to beat him across the shoulders and the back of his head. At this point Kat began to bark excitedly. At this point it can be debated Kats’ honest intent. Was he defending his drinking buddies or was it love? What can’t be debated is the fact Kat grabbed her by the waist knocking her forward onto the brown flat carpeting.

Shit,” Shamus said and pulled Kat off of the young girl.

Paddy would later recall that he thought he heard her said something to the effect of ‘damn not again’, but wouldn’t swear to it.

Get him,” Paddy shouted pointing at Kat with one hand while picking lettuce out of his hair with the other. Kat looked at him like he actually understood what Paddy said and ran into the kitchen. Shamus and Angus were hot on the heels of Kat. He ran into the Kitchen and hooked a left out into the side dinning room knocking over a cart of condiments as he went. He leaped across several tables and gained and advantage. Paddy now up off the floor tried to tackle him. He missed the dogged and went faced first into a row of counter stools. Lying on the floor he tried to get up but at this point all he managed to do is trip Shamus.

All six hundred and fifty pounds of Shamus fell on Paddy squarely. Angus came to an abrupt stop at the pile up and watched Kat suck the food off of a customer’s plate. The waitress leaped the pile of Shamus and began to chase Kat who turned around smiled sort of and went for her. She then cursed and found herself being chased by Kat who by obvious nature really liked to chase her. The waitress turned a fast right into the kitchen with Kat barking and howling in hot pursuit.

There came a loud clang from the kitchen followed by a loud thump from something hitting the kitchen floor hard.

He’s got her!” Angus exhaled.

Poor girl,” Paddy sympathized.

Lucky dog,” Shamus grinned.

The waitress stormed out of the kitchen with a cast iron skillet in her left hand and a mean scowl on her face.

You bastards,” she growled like a puma. “You made me knock out your sweet little old Shepard. Get him and get out of here or I’ll make you wish I would’ve called the cops. The only reason I don’t is because I don’t know what would happen to the dog…”












All rights belong to its author. It was published on by demand of Scott Wahrenberger.
Published on on 02/11/2009.


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