Katharina Brunklaus

The Story of a Lost

Just a cold, grey sunday
evening. It all looks sad and somehow dead. The trees seem so depressed,
ashamed about their bareness. I hope the snow comes soon, so that all the dirt
becomes white and everything hides underneath the cover of little white stars.
That is the time, when we start to forget. Christmas time. Love, getting some
rest and silence. At least I hope so. I wish I could. A cold wind
blew through his jacket.
A motorbike drives past him. With it’s screeching brakes, it hurtled
around the corner. Rafaels body shook violently and goose bumps climbed up his
back slowly. I cannot. He just stood
there on the sidewalk, staring out on to the river. A calming, quiet sound came
from it. The water was already starting to freeze, little stars twinkled on the
surface of the never ending flow of liquid. This was the result of endless
weeks with rain in the day and freeze in the evening. It actually should be a
fierce winter by now. But still there was no snow and as long as there was no
snow, people would keep running around, not able to rest. But then, suddenly,
when the first snowflakes fall and everything gets a white touch, their souls
start to lighten. Just two weeks ago –
why? Why me – why her? Rafaels eyes strayed away from the icy river, caught
a little bird, flying up a tree. It was of shining deep blue, with black
stripes, fighting against the wind and falling, flying up again, and falling. Why does he not just stay on the ground? It would probably be safer
for him. Can he feel the cold. Can he freeze the way I do? Could he feel it?
2. School (Monday)

The maddening bell rang. A flood of voices entered the room, while
Rafael sat on his seat and stared at them. How
can they be happy? They must know what happened. Yeah – it was me. Blame me,
hate me, it was all my fault! If it was not for me – a blond guy came up to
him and put his arm on Rafael`s shoulder.– “Hey buddy. What’s up? Gonne come to
my birthday party on Friday? Of course you will. It`ll be fun. Haha...remember
last time when almost all of them threw up on the alk?” – John looked at Rafael
expectantly. But he noticed that Rafael did not seem to listen to him. “Hey,
did you hear me?” – “Sorry. What did ye say?” – “My party. Friday”, said John,
rolling his eyes kind of nerved. “Oh ... yeah, alright, um, you know what I...
don’t think I can come” – John raised his eyebrows in disbelieve. – “Are you
kidding me? What`s wrong with you? I already told you ‘bout it some weeks ago
and you promised me, you’d be there” – Rafael sighed, he did not want to
disappoint his best friend John, but he was just not in the mood for partys. –
He cannot understand it. But whatever. I
will not be there! Will not be
anywhere.- he looked up to Johns face-
There are so many things I want you to know, but you would not understand –
“Okay, I’ll come, but don’t expect a big present. You know, my purse is as
empty as your brain is” – He smiled a fake smile. John laughed. “Alright man.
That’s great. But I already told you I don’t need no gift. Just you there.
That’s enough for me.”, John nudged Rafael, then turned his back on him and
went of. At that time Mr. Berg came in and said in his powerful voice, beaming
of selfconfidence...or was it overestimation . – “Good morning students. Sit
down please. John, could you please close the windows, we want to get started”
– The pupils sat down, not one of them said a word. – Just like soldiers. That guy in the front, he`s the comander. But they
don`t seem to care. Is it the words of god flowing out of his mouth? Sure
they`re not. But he thinks they are. And they think so, too. Even though they
hate him. The way he stands there. The way he enjoys to be smarter than them.
The way they stare at him. In Berg`s head it is all weird. It`s his opinion
that he can do all he wants with us. But not with me. I can`t do this anymore.
They`re getting on my nerves. All of them. I can`t-
- But Rafaels mind had already left the room again. It flew out the
window, into the cold winter morning, passing the school`s old gym, the big,
black entrance and finally the wind carried it to the river outside the school.
It was the same as at his home, as dark, as frozen, as hopeless.
“How could this happen to
I've made my mistakes
Got nowhere to run
The night goes on
I'm fading away
I'm sick of this life
I just wanna scream
So I try to hold on to a
time when nothing mattered
And I can't explain what happened
And I can't erase the things that I've done
No, I can't”[2]
“Raff! Raff!” sounded friendly, but firm up to Rafaels room. He lay on
his bed with a headset on. “Hey! You up there?”, now more impatiently. “What?”,
he responded quiet and sleepy, not really listening to her, but to the song in
his ears- “You are one of God's mistakes. You crying, tragic waste of skin. I'm
well aware of how it aches. And you still won't let me in.”[3]One of God`s mistakes...! Yeah- What
should I be good for? Nothing! Just a burden to others. They earn something
better than me. It`s all my fault. They would be nice, if I earned it. But, I`m
neither a good son, nor a good friend, nor anything else. What am I good for?
Right! Nothing!- “When did you clean your motorbike the last time? It`s all
muddy. Please get down here. Now!” As if he had all the time of the world,
Rafael got up confused about himself and got dressed, while looking at his
reflection in the mirror. Don`t look at
me like that. What do you want? I know. All the scars. They won`t leave me and
everybody will see it- What I´ve done. Scars everywhere, but no blood. What
have I  done? The bike...  With his head buried in his hands, a tear
ran down his thin check. He clenched his fists and suddenly leaped up. Look at me you monster. You`re a monster. No
one will ever love a beast. A beast like you. They won`t. They won`t forgive! His
eyes were wild, glassy and mad and he caught for breath. Don`t look at me like that. You murder! You monster! You don`t deserve
to live. Then he broke down, crashed to the floor. Big tears ran out of his
swollen eyes and he could not stop himself from sobbing.

After some time footsteps came up the stairs and an angry voice said in
a louder tone: “Rafael Hobbs! Come out right now! If you don`t want to get
grounded. Why is it all crashed up- Your bike? What did you do, you foolish
boy? Open the door!” A hand knocked hard and unpatiently on the thin wooden
door. Rafaels facial expression hardend again and he stood up, straightened his
clothes, hastyly dryed away his tears and opened the door. “What do you think
of yourself? That you can do all you want and we will be coming up for
everything you lose?”, bursted into his face. His mom stood right in front of
him and waved with her hands. “No, sorry.”, he said shy and obediently. “Then
get your lazy ass down here and look at your motorcycle. It`s all crashed up.
And who is supposed to pay for it, or fix it?”, replied the still young, but
obviously stressed and distressed woman. Rafael looked onto the floor. “Would
you answer me, please?” “Yeah...I`m gonne do it. I`ll try to fix it, I mean it
was my fault, so I should fix it.” Come
on. Punish me. I earn it. Come
on!  “Well, then go ahead”, with
those words she went down the stairs again. Crack, Crack...Why don`t they seem to really notice me. Just what I do wrong. And then
I`m not even worth enough to be punished..?.The boy in blue jeans and black
pullover went down the steps and took direction to the garage. His parents
house was always tidy, not one spot of dust anywhere. Always clean and
innocent. I don`t belong here. There
were pictures everywhere, in all kinds of colours, with every family member
they knew and about all sorts of trips they had done together. From every
corner of the room, there were smiling faces focusing you with their empty
eyes. (Rafael always felt kind of followed and oppressed, if he went past
them). Silently he made his way to the front door, because he did not want to
get into a discussion again. A hard, wet blow of wind greeted him as he opened
the door and his hair was soaked within a few seconds. It was cold. It was
always cold, when the dark came. Rafael pulled his jacket even tighter around
his shoulders. His body was shaking and he kept his head low as he went to the
garage. You could hear the wind blow through the trees just like a ghost, that
cried out in it`s hopelessness and it`s sorrow. Rafael tried to stay calm, but
inside, he was scared and his mind almost made him crazy. He did not know why,
but his heart started to beat faster and faster and he was almost running down
the garden way. They`re after me. No,
calm down. It`s okay. Oh my god. I can`t look back. She`s watching me. I know
she is. By the time he reached the small garage, he was all wet of sweat
and rain and shook of fear. With trembling hands, he tried to open the door
with the old, rusty key from his dad. “Come on. Open!”. After all, he could
walk into the tiny room. Somewhere in the corner there stood a dark red thing,
which seemed to look at Rafael with big eyes as his flashlight passed it. He
could hardly move. Did not want to get any closer to what had once been his
most worthy thing in life. His “baby”.


“Raf. Let`s go for a ride. It might be one of the last days in this year
without rain so we just have to take advantage of it.”, holding the phone in
one hand and a sandwich with bologna in the other, he only listened halfhearted
to what John was saying. A smile
passed Rafaels face. -Yeah this will be
my year. I mean with that motorcyle no chick could possibly get past me.- “What
do ye think?”, Rafaels friend (it felt like they had known each other since
their first day of life) said. “Yeah. Let`s do it, but first I`ll have to clean
my babe. I actually didn`t have the nerv for it after the last ride. You know.”
The two of them started laughing. “And she has to look good, right? If all the
chicks look at her she just has to look good. I have to look good!”, John
giggled again. “Okay dude, then in two hours? Um...at 10?” -Two hours. That has to be enough. I`ll just
have to work fast. -”Yeah that`s fine with me. The Broadwhich-Way?”, he
asked- that was the street they used to meet at, if they were up to a ride. “
Yep. And don`t forget to check your fuel! All right?”, Rafael smiled, he
remembered the last time they had driven off together and after half an hour
and about eight miles away from home he had run out of fuel.- Probably was the worst day of my life. Never
want to experience something like that EVER again- By the time he had
gotten home then, it had already been almost 7 o`clock in the morning.
presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone (...)

“Raf!!!”, there were
footsteps- might have been running- closing up to him. Rafael was shaken hard
by some hands. To his surprise, the pain started to become lighter, (or was he
just not able to feel it anymore, because it was too hard?) and he tried to
open his eyes, but as he tried, there was a tiny light at first and then all he
could see was black. Black all over him and his head seemed to whirl around
itself. Then there was nothing.
A wet flannel stroked over his head and a soft voice, a voice he knew,
said: “It`s all right Raf! I`m here. It`s just a bad fever. Will be over in
some days. Maybe tomorrow. There is no need to be scared, buddy. I`ll take care
of you. Or did your best friend ever disappoint you?” His eyes became heavy
again, even though they hadn`t even opened up all the way. Sorry buddy. I`ll have to disappoint you. Disappoint you...Then
sleep caught him again.
They met in front of the old coffee shop in the Broadwhich-Way. A smell
of darjeeling- tea was always in the air, if you got closer than 30 feet up to
the shop. Its window showed all sorts of teas and a really big poster, showing
two young ladies sipping from their cups, smiling at each other.
As they raced down the streets, Rafael enjoyed the wind passing him. He
felt free and that was what he loved about his bike. Even though the days got
colder and the rides did, too, the two friends would not dare to disclaim the
opportunity of doing a ride- Always had their start at the Broadwhich-Way, then
to the Boarded Hills and for the way home they went along the Mayday River.
After having a good meal, Rafael felt very relaxed again and was ready
to start off again. “Hey man, what about trying out the way through town? It
might be faster.”, Rafael looked at John. He was a bit worried about the fact
that he did not have that much fuel left and that it was already getting late.
“Why should we...? It`s always the Mayday River- Forgot about it?”, John said,
quite astonished about his friends suggestion. “I don`t know...just wanna try
it. Where is the problem?”. Rafael was annoyed by John, he hadn`t expected any
resistance. “ Well, go ahead then, but I won`t go that way. Remember? It`s
always the Mayday River.” “But John, it`s getting boring, to have the same
route everytime. I think it`s stupid to insist on something forever. I
mean...it`s nothing big I asked you to do for me!!! If you don`t want to, you
don`t have to, but I`ll be off. ”, Rafael looked at John for a second, but
noticed that he was not about to change his mind, so he put on his white helmet
and went for his bike. John looked on the ground, he seemed to brood over
something. Rafael gave his motorcycle a clap, moaned and then started his
vehicle. It`s engine started powerful and Rafael slowly drove past his best
friend saying: “We`ll see at school. And don`t be mad, let`s talk about it some
other day- It´s getting late and I wanna reach home as soon as possible.”, John
nodded sadly, “Yeah”. He actually was really disappointed, because the rides
had been everything for him. Then he got onto his bike, too and drove away into
the other direction.
The curve was thighter than he thought. Somebody was on the road. Shit. But it was too late. His breaks
squeaked and screeched madly, but there was nothing he could do. Had been in
thoughts. It was a weird moment. It felt like an hour- the time he needed to
finaly hit the person. Like slowmotion- Eventhough he knew it would end in a
crash, there was just nothing he could do. Only sitting there and waiting for
the collision and the pain.
A tear rolled down his dirty face, but he wasn`t sure why, was it the
untakeable pain, the situation which he couldn`t understand or the feeling in
his heart which told him, that he had done something horrible. Never in his
life had Rafael felt this bad- selfhatred came over him, but it was all
confused in his head- couldn`t even remember where he was, or where he had been
10 minutes before. He had lost all senses. Just lay there. What he didn`t know:
his red bike lay about 400 meters away from him and next to that there lay a
little girl. Must have been about eight years old- looked as if she was
sleeping and having a joyful dream. There was something like a smile on her
face. So cute, calm and silent...!


“Time has
run out, for me,
Everything's distant
And I don't know what to believe
It's so hard,
Lost in the world's confusion
And I need to leave”[5]
While kind of refusing the hug, but still trying to comfort Rafael, John
said: “Well, I can`t stay for long. Just wanted to see if you`re well. Still
have some periods. I should be back before the break ends.” With those words,
Rafael took a step backwards. “Okay go ahead. Goodbye...”. “Bye then”, the
blond boy turned away, ran down the garden way and waved, smiling.

He turned around the corner to where all the people were. Running
around, buying christmas presents and other useless things.- Hope they don`t look at me. They will see
it. That I killed her. Watch all my steps behind my back. Have to hide the
blood- they will ask why...- The boy hurried down the shopping street with
his head low and his hood on. Then stepped in to “Garden tools”.
9. “On sleepless roads the sleepless go. May angels lead you down.” [6]
Besides the bird caravans, there were almost no sounds at all. Very
silent. At this time of the day, children had already reached school and
parents were just about to leave the house.
From this day on it would tell another storie, the tale of a young boy,
who had lived a good, happy, but too short life- and than died a cruel, sad and
undeserved death. The murderer? Maybe you think it is sarcastic, but it is just
the truth if I tell you, that his own mind killed him from inside. In the end
he lost controle over himself and his confused mind took over.
Jane came out of the front door, checked if she had not forgotten
anything, put on her hood and was about to shut the door. Then she remembered
something, turned around and called up the stairs, “Rafael you gotta get up.
School starts in 15 minutes. Hurry up!- I`ll be off and there is some lunch for
you in the fridge for after school!”. Content with herself, she went out again,
closed the door and put on her gloves, while walking down the gravelwalk.
She stood there for about a minute, not moving in a state of shock, then
she cried out “Rafael!”. The young mother sank to the ground in front of the
huge tree, could not hold back her tears. Surrendering herself to the emotions,
she did not care about her best dress getting ruined, being late for her most
important day in the company, or the cold that even made her tears freeze on
her checks.
Finally it`s snowing. Jane looked up to the sky, surrounded by a flood
of white spots and dried away her tears.

10. Flashback (two weeks before)


Unsure about what would await him, but with a horrible feeling in his
heart, he cautiously got closer. Being still some feet away, he stopped,
shocked about what he saw.
- overseeing that the small, delicate child hand moved...



[1]                Mad World- Gary

[2]              Untitelt- Simple Plan

[3]              Song to Say Goodbye- Placebo

[4]              My Immortal- Evanescence

[5]              Goodbye (I`m Sorry)- And Then I Turned Seven

[6]                Hear you me- Jimmy eat world
[7]                If I die young- The Brand Perry


All rights belong to its author. It was published on e-Stories.org by demand of Katharina Brunklaus.
Published on e-Stories.org on 05/09/2011.


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