Jack Barkl

I´m Sorry

I’m lying in bed. It’s cold...silent. My head falls to the left and I’m starring at the clock. Its 3:03am.

It’s been like this for the past few weeks…always 3:03am.
Turning my head slowly back and looking at her space along beside me. The emptiness is such an unfamiliar reminder of her absence, though at times, strangely comforting. My body reacts to the discomforting numbness coursing through my body, releasing a slight grin that peels across my face.

In that instant I knew she would have said something similar to
“Tye you know better. Stop being so cliché”
She always tried to lighten the mood with her vast extent of knowledge that I admit surpassed my own.
I stuttered quietly “Sophie”
My grin slowly vanished, reminiscent of evanescent light on a cloudy day.
I lay still, in my bed, anticipating the memories that were beginning to emerge from behind closed doors knowing I couldn’t do anything. Just like before.

I scream “Someone please get help it’s an emergency!”
The nurse acknowledges the panic in my voice and rushes out of the white room, leaving us alone.
“Please baby please just hold on,” I yell, desperation clouding my mind as I grasp Sophie’s hand. “Please” I repeat.
Her heart monitor is so faint. So many machines hooked up, trying to support her fading existence, but it’s not enough. I can feel they just aren’t enough. I am losing her.
“Someone please Hurry” I scream so loudly that it hurts to breathe. I can’t help but constantly check the clock. Its 2:50 am the doctor should be here. Then Sophie is grasping my hand and speaking so faintly the words “I... I… love you.” I quickly reply, “Please baby please hang on the doctor is on his way. Please”
I check the clock again 2:51am. The doctor rushes in with the nurse and others that are bringing all types of new machinery in trying to do their best to save her life. I am shoved to the side, forced just to watch them try to save my wife. I am pacing up down, checking the clock. Its 2:53am. The heart monitor goes dead. My whole world comes to a standstill. The doctors are trying to bring her back to life with every possible procedure they have time for. I see them prepping the machines and I just scream, “Please just save her”. Minutes fly by like nothing… I get on my knee’s praying to a god I don’t believe in, needing to help, needing to just do something…I feel useless. It suddenly becomes silent. I’m in another place and it’s as though everything is happening so slowly. The staffs look at each other and slowly turn to walk out of the white room - except for one. He stands there, looking down at me with sympathetic eyes, “I’m sorry”. Those words… all I can do is check the clock. It’s 3:03am.

My eyes are wide open, head softly leant against the pillow, contemplating the events leading up to this moment.
I whisper to myself “ I love you too Sophie… I love you too.”
As the words escape my mouth I slowly relax and let my eyelids fall, allowing the darkness to consume me. Maybe… just maybe, tonight my dreams will be filled with her flamboyant smiles and luscious hair and not the possessed eyes of lifelessness.

My head finely tunes back to reality, though doesn’t refrain from releasing a punishing ache echoing within my skull. Must have been another nightmare though I can’t quite remember having a dream at all. I lift my body upwards, opposing gravity and try to resist rubbing my eyes to relieve them from the tempting itch. Sophie’s words ring through my head even worsening the ache “Don’t rub those eye’s you know they make them red Tye”. The words exit my mouth before I’ve even thought them, “ I know” - habit. Quickly shuffling out of our bed I conjure up the energy, from some hidden revenue, to make my way towards the kitchen. Finally starting to truly awaken I approach the kitchen, open the refrigerator and pull out a milk carton. I carefully open up the top and proceed to press the cardboard funnel to my lips hoping to obtain the cool liquid inside. “Tye you know your not suppose to do that” Sophie’s eerie voice sweeps over my ears. “ Well your gone okay! You Left” I yell into an empty apartment. My mind is working overtime trying to interpret the situation though my heart knows my sanity is still intact. “ Tye I’ll always be there for you” her words still apparent in my head. “NO!” I roar, followed by screaming the words I’d kept locked away “You said you were going to be okay… you said after all this nonsense you and me could go back to normal… like before. You said you wouldn’t leave me… But look I’m all alone and I miss you so much I don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve tried everything but your still gone.” Its silent… so silent.. I fall to the floor my knees and hands planted to the ground, shoulders shaking as I howl. Tears are streaming down my cheeks, off my chin, plummeting to the floor at my hands. I open my mouth just barely vocalizing words “You said this wouldn’t be the end,” I weep. “ You said… I trusted you” with that last remaining ounce of speech, I let my grief utterly consume me. I could tell her spirit had left. There was no other explanation for the emptiness I felt inside. I try to pul! l myself together, managing to utter the words “please Sophie I tried… I tried to help… I’m sorry… I’m sorry”. Nothing. No reply just the vast silence. I move my hands towards my head with my palms covering my tear soaked face just mumbling, “I’m sorry”.


All rights belong to its author. It was published on e-Stories.org by demand of Jack Barkl.
Published on e-Stories.org on 10/09/2011.


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