Qayid Aljaysh Juyub

A recipe for blackstone beer á la Thrór's curse

Greetings, lovers of fine beverages and many a good drop. Today we delve deep into the sick world of the mad dwarf king. Some claim Thorin Oakenshield's grandfather was possessed by dragon sickness, but the ancient writings of the sage Raldha of Ejub from Gelsum - also known as Mordor Minor - prove that the royal craziness possessed a miraculous correlation with the consumption of Morgul-Psilos. However, his drug-savvy majesty had even more fun in the head than with the miracle mushrooms and occasional lucid moments exclusively when drinking blackstone beer, which was reserved only for the noble members of Durin's gender.

As we all know, at the end of the Fourth Age, the dwarves went mad because a powerful sorcerer called Primus Amazonias Idioticus forced upon them a mind-numbing spectacle called 'The Rings of Power'. Eventually they made the most stupid and incompetent their leaders, destroyed their high-tech forges and, through all manner of folly, their prosperity. In the end, they stuck themselves in their mines to demonstrate against global warming under the earth and thus transferred themselves united into dwarf heaven.

But enough of the history lesson, let's now get down to the preparation of the Blackstone Beer. We need the following ingredients from the shop of the Druid of Tingeltangel (today's offer is a free 'Dulldwarf' branded pointed cap only for a mega-small handling fee of a measly £99.99):

- 5 litres of beer (stout, porter or a mix of both)

- 1 litre of whiskey (the Druid recommends Laphroaig with a minimum age of 10 years)

- 0.5 litres of mulled wine (but please not the cheap stuff from Shiddl or similar food abusers)

- Peel of 2 lemons

- 200 g 'magic mushrooms' from your local chemist. Okay, if you're not keen on studying jailology and don't want to run a bit afoul of current law, you can also replace the magic mushrooms with the same amount of cranberries, but they should be soaked in 250 ml vodka (at least Smirnov) a day before.

- 1-2 teaspoons cardamom

- 2-3 cloves

- a pinch of black pepper

- 250 g obsidian

If you are too stingy to finance our needy and climate-loving druid's next Bali holiday, you can also buy the ingredients elsewhere.

First of all, let's dig out the magnificent jug of the great kings of the dwarf kingdom from the royal junk room. If this is unfortunately not available, the druid of Tingeltangel offers you the model 'Moria Deluxe' in his shop, which was produced completely climate neutrally by industrious Indian orphans for the fair price of 50 cents, for only a tiny £9999.99. If you do not want to support the selfless druid in his development work of his fortune, simply offer a suitable container with a capacity of at least 8 litres.

Normally, suitable courtiers would now supervise the production process of the delicious swill, but since they unfortunately live in the dwarf graveyard at the moment, as many garden gnomes as possible - if necessary, you can steal them from the stuffy neighbour, but please none that ride a wutz (Palatine for a truffle-loving proboscis animal) - should be distributed in the kitchen regarding the ambience.

Now fill the energetic gems (obsidian) and the whiskey into the jug. Stir according to an old custom in honour of the seven dwarf gods the mixture for 7 minutes with a suitable utensil - you don't have an original dwarf axe(?), you can also get it from the druid as the brand 'Gimli's Shame' for only £999.99. Now add the beer by the litre and stir the noble drink for 77 seconds each. Do not forget to make an appointment with your therapist or take your psychotropic drugs before continuing the process.

Then we send a suicide squad of volunteer heroes with a short life expectancy from the tribe of militaristic 'dimwits' into the mines of Moria to get Balin's Cauldron for the mad king. Let's leave the druid out of it this time, we don't want to make one-sided advertisements in an attitude journalistic manner. So we quickly get an ordinary saucepan and fill it with the mulled wine, which we now heat up on medium heat until it reaches a temperature of 77° C. Now we add cloves. Now we add cloves, cardamom and pepper and let the mixture simmer for 7 minutes.

While the mulled wine cools down afterwards, we use the time to cut the lemon peels into the smallest possible pieces - in memory of the ritual slaughter of hobbits by the mad dwarf king during the brewing process to appease the gods of the Morgul-Psilos. Then we put the cut-up hobbits (citron peels) with the miracle mushrooms (cranberries) into a mortar and pound them - well, how do you think?- for 7 minutes.

To crown it all, we combine all the components with the brew in the ceremonial jug and stir the mixture for seven minutes. Afterwards, the delicious potion should be kept in a cool, sinister dungeon for 77 minutes to refine the flavour, while his psychologically deviant majesty cruelly tortures recalcitrant high elves for pleasure. Less insane people can, of course, keep the blackstone beer in the fridge instead.

Cheers then

© 2023 Q.A.Juyub

All rights belong to its author. It was published on by demand of Qayid Aljaysh Juyub.
Published on on 04/21/2023.


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