I'm already dead

My father told me I should,

I’m still not sure I would,

take the test.

He thinks it would be the best.

But how could I say: “It’s okay”,

when I have it?

How could I go on with the tennis play?

How could I live another single day?

I just want to live my life

and not being happy, I’m still alive.

I just want to live again,

without any pain,

but when I’m positive,

will my nightmares began

and I can’t live.

I wanted to marry Viv,

I wanted to have a family,

but she will just exist in my memory.

Because she mustn’t watch me suffer,

Otherwise, her life will be rougher.

She’s so beautiful and strong

But telling her would be really wrong.

Maybe I shouldn’t keep thinking,

But I can’t stop.

I simply cannot.

I feel it in every inch of my body,

Fear stabs my heart bloody

And makes me barely breathe.

Perhaps now is the time for me to leave.

Maybe it’s easier to run away

Than to stay

And face my fear.

The fear that I can never share with my dear.

But there is still this uncertainty and loneliness

That I cannot escape.

And now I feel it clearly in my head:

As long as I feel afraid,

I’m already dead.