Marina Mura


If you were alive now
And I could have my revenge
Id confront you with the tatters of my soul
Make you answer my questions
Always Why

I would like to hurt you so much
But I could never hurt you
The way you hurt me
Cant now anyway because you are dead
And not by your own hand
Sadly not

Although you did try once
When the police came to question you
You went into the kitchen
And took out the big new carving knife
Rammed it into your stomach
They said it was a confession of guilt

You never confessed
But I saw the knife in the kitchen sink
Still sticky with your blood
And with one black hair
Saw the mop and bucket in the corner
Blood stains washed from the kitchen floor

All this I saw
When I was escorted to the house
The house of horrors that used to be my home
To pick up my stuff
Packing my teddy and crying all the time
Telling my sister that Im never coming home again

I nearly went mad with grief and pain
Maybe I did, maybe I am
Took all the white pills
That promised relief from pain
They nearly worked
But sadly I was doomed to live

After that the social workers in the home
Forced me to go to therapy
Thank God I have hardly any memories of that
Just wanting to jump out of the window
To escape that woman, the questions, the memories
Crying all the time


Im still crying now
20 years later
They call it post traumatic stress disorder
And youre the lucky one
You are dead
I have to carry on

You damaged me
Perhaps beyond repair
You and the father I had before you
What is wrong with me?
Do I have please use and abuse
Tattooed on my forehead?

If you were alive now
I would spit in your face
How do you like being soiled?
I would gouge out your eyes with my fingers
So that you could not look at me any more
You would not be tempted

I would chop off you fingers
With the carving knife of your guilt
So that you cant touch me
Cant shove them inside me any more
I would chop off you lips
So you cant force me to kiss them any more

I would rip out your tongue
So you cant shove it down my throat any more
I would rip out your tongue
So you cant whisper any more
Cant threaten me and those I love
Cant lick any more

I would smash you hands
With the hammer of my shame
So you cant touch me anymore
Cant grab me and grope me
Cant punch me and slap me
Cant hurt me any more

I would hack of your legs
With the axe of my rage
So you cant run after me any more
Cant chase me through the house
Cant kick down the door
Cant kick my ribs any more

I would hammer your back full of nails
With the nails of my pain
So I wouldnt have to massage it any more
So that you couldnt turn it on me
I would change your silhouette
So it doesnt fill me with fear any more

I would chop off you balls
Slice off your penis
Knife your buttocks
And roll in your blood
Spew my hate on you
And piss and shit on you

The way you piss and shit on me
On my soul
On my life
You ruined me
I wish I could ruin you
But you robbed me of that too

I hate you but once I loved you
Never quite trusted you
Turns out I was right
You were a man of course
Only a man
Only a monster

If you were alive now
I would cry terrible tears
Of joy
To have the chance
To have my revenge
To destroy you too

But you are dead
And I am dead
But I still have to carry on
Dont know how long
Dont care any more
I hope the next life will be better


This poem was written a long time ago and it doesn't follow any rules, because it is pure pain and had to be let out.
A little while ago, I added some bits too it - so I might update it, or just rewrite it an leave this one alone. The new Version still doesn't follow any rules of grammar - but I don't really care ;o)

Diese "Gedicht" wurde von mir vor lange Zeit geschrieben. Es folgt auch keine Regeln, weil es reiner Schmerz ist und einfach raus musste.
Vor nicht allzu lange Zeit, habe ich was noch dazu addiert - also werde ich das hier vielleicht aktualisieren, oder vielleicht lass ich es in Ruhe und schreibe die aktuelle Version einfach nur neu.
Dieser neue Version folgt immer noch keine Grammatikregeln, aber es ist mir ziemlich egal ;o)
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All rights belong to its author. It was published on by demand of Marina Mura.
Published on on 12/15/2006.


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