D. B.

I donīt want to die

As I watched the speedometer arrow slowly make its arch, I donít pay as much attention to the road as I should. I know I should be watching my mirrors more, and using my turn signal, and yet I canít bring myself to do these basic things. Itís funny, because I donít particularly feel like driving fast, itís just that I canít find it in myself to lift or move my foot, and gravity pulls it to the floor. I watch the light in front of me go from green to yellow, with enough time for me to stop. My brain is sending signals, trying to get me to move and stop, but nothing is responding. I approach the intersection and speeds Iíve never driven at before, and I wonder what makes me so apathetic. I think back, and try to place what made me drive. What was it that made me need to get out so badly, and put me in this drugged like state? Is there anything in my life that would really make me so self destructive that I could speed through a red light, and a busy intersection? What was I doing? My brain starts frantically sending signals to anything in my body that would respond, and my hand jerks. My right hand, which has been lying on the armrest, useless, for the whole ride. I am only seconds from bursting through the rush of cars in front of me. Thereís nothing! Nothing in my life that would make me want to die, so uselessly! Even having no one alive was better than having no one mourn you when youíre dead. I need to stop!
But itís far too late to even slow down, and suddenly my whole body is more alive than I have ever been before. I am awake and panic-stricken as I see in slow motion, the front end of my beaten tired car hits another, right in the middle like a bullseye. Everything I should have done with my life hits me all at once, far surpassing the impact of the accident. My whole life has culminated to a senseless wreck of two people, and two cars. I realized then, just how much I loved my car, how it was more me than anything else could ever be. I slowly look up, after what seems like hours but was only a minute. People I donít know are running towards the wreck, and somehow I can see it as if I was miles above. One car was a large truck, not very damaged, but the other was old and uncared for, and completely totaled like nothing I have ever seen. Both only had the drivers inside. I couldnít remember what had happened, and I looked up at the stranger holding me on the street corner. "I didnít mean it" I said, not sure if they could hear me, or even cared. I couldnít tell what they were looking at; my eyesight was really blurry and discolored. "Life wasnít meant to be this way." I said it so softly, I doubt they could have ever heard me. I felt a drop land on my nose, and thought what a strange thing it was to be feeling. I slipped away, into the night, into the stars, and out of my life as gently as I had wanted to for a long time. There was a thought at the back of my head, and I couldnít remember what it wasÖ but somehow I said one last thing that never connected with my brain.
"I donít want to die."

 

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Published on e-Stories.org on 02/21/2005.

 

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