Oluwakemi Amusan



Hi, I am Lady Kritik, and I welcome you all to another interesting edition of your favorite Television Program, Fashion Police. Today, I will be bringing you fashion reports from one of the top social scenes, The Pity Party.

As usual, all the Emotions are here today to break bread with one another and wallow in their misery. But they may also have to deal with their issues if Lady Love will be in attendance. You bet they have come in the most bizarre of attires that you are sure to find hilarious.

Let's take a look at the first guest on the scene. She is the one and only Hurting Hilda. She was jilted last summer, remember? You can see she is bandaged from head to toe so don't cause an emergency here today by trying to hug her, she is, as always in severe pain.

Second guest to arrive is Jealous Judith. She is the one in the attire that looks like everyone else's. Judith has no style of her own you see, she is always trying to outdo someone else's personal style.

Just yesterday, the paparazzi caught her trying to be a better mother to her best friend's children and a better wife to her neighbor's husband.

So don't be surprised if you find her copying your style the next time you meet her. She will go any length, not caring if it suits her own person or not.

And third on our list of course is Wicked Wendy; the tiger woman herself, Always on the lookout for someone to harm, whether deserved or not.

You really can't blame her; she has every reason to be bitter. Life has been a bitch to her, and she is ready to take it out on everyone else.

Those wicked high heels she is putting on, aren't just for show you know? Just try stepping on her and she would be glad to retaliate. And yes, she knows you can't stand her perfume, but that is the whole point, to irritate you with her fragrance.

If you think those teeth of hers are exposed in a smile, then you want to think twice. First consider the fact that a Tiger is a carnivorous animal that bares its fangs whenever it's hungry. You may or may not check your Biology text book for the precision of that. But believe me; you don't want to stand in the way of Wicked Wendy.

And have you wondered where those radiations are coming out from? Run for your life! The vicious Lady in Red approaches. Otherwise you are going to be stuck for the rest of your life under chemotherapy.

Angry Agnes emits stuffs higher in intensity that UV rays, and you bet they are just as cancerous. Please, please, please and please. Don't cross her, She does a better job at painting people red with blood than anyone you have ever come across.

And that woman over there is Guilty Gina. Gina used to be the sweetest thing since BRT, till she did something very hideous and unspeakable.

Now all she does is look back in fear that her past will catch up with her. That has become her way of life.

As a result, she has her head permanently inclined at that angle southward that just allows for a sufficient view of the past. Opportunities pass her by as a result. But its okay, she can always lament over them when they are gone. Or of what use is looking opportunities right in the face when you can watch their back forever?

And that lady wearing black all over like she just attended her own funeral is Sandy Sorrow. Oh, don't you want to cry just looking at her? 'life is unfair’, is how she greets everyone. If you sit and listen to her long enough, you will find yourself agreeing with your face getting longer by the minute as you meditate on the hundred things you should whine and cry about, forgetting the thousand other things you should be happy about.

Oh finally, the Lady Peacock herself has arrived: Proud Patty and the famous shoulder pads. The next time you see her, those pads would have increased in size, probably be touching the ceiling. That is what she lives for; something more to be proud of, not minding who gets hurt in the process: Never seen someone more comfortable with the chips on her shoulders.

Oh yeah let's talk about Pity, the Hostess. It’s Pity’s Party, afterall. She makes a pretty small package as she is all wrapped up in herself. It's a good minute if she doesn't stare at everything that is wrong with her 65 times in the sixty seconds.

Even when she is perfectly okay, she convinces herself she isn't, and ensures that everybody agrees with her.

Wait, wait, wait, who do we have here, The Lady Love? This woman sure has guts. Walking into a place like this unaccompanied? Well there is no fear in love they say.

She is a truly kind, patient and humble woman; the best of them all. And her virtues will always override the negativity of the other guests. No doubt, she is here to cheer them up and inspire them to keep trying. I really love her letters. But I won't need them because I am Lady Kritik, the only presenter who has it well put together.

I feel this strong urge to draw her attention to my Versace gown and Prada Bag. She is always loud in her praise but gentle in her rebuke. I can't wait for her to compliment my elegant and sophisticated look.

So I make my way up to her as she walks down the red carpet.

‘ Madame Love, Madame Love.’ I call. She turns and looks at me with a smile.

‘ Oh, the Lady Kritik Herself’, she beams.

And I tell her how lovely she looks; hoping she would notice my rented attire too.

When she doesn't, I tell her how horrible the other ladies at the party look and how she and I stand out from them. God, let her at least notice my shoes, I groan inwardly. They are the most gorgeous Calvin Klein in the rental outlet.

‘ Yes,’ she says. ‘.Those guests do have a lot to work on.' Yes, yes, I nod. Now she is going to notice my Diamond earrings. Hallelujah. I am wearing million naira accessories, never mind that I borrowed them.

’ But if you are able to remove the log in your own eyes,’ she continues. What is she talking about; I stare at her in horror. ‘ It will be easier to help others with the speck in their eyes ’.

She gives me a hug, and I am left speechless as she whispers into my ears, ‘Kritik Darling, I know about your pains and impending divorce, I know all about your shortcomings. But you can't keep hiding everything behind a perfect exterior, refusing to deal with them and going ahead to put others down so you can shine ’, she pauses and fastens her gaze intently on me. ‘ You understand what I am talking about right? Here take ’.

I collect a copy of the love letter from her. And just when I thnk she is through with me, I see her give my attire a once over glance. ‘ I must say that s a beautiful outfit you've got there ’. Oh the moment I have been waiting for. I close my eyes, waiting to hear other words like Fabulous! Glorious!! Absolutely Breathtaking!!! Like Mrs. Deceit, the Camera woman had gushed.

Instead, she says, ‘ I hate to tell you this, but since I am Lady Love and rejoice in the truth always, then I must call your attention to the fact that lunch must have been a bit too delicious ’. And with that, she continues her walk down the red carpet.

I look down my attire and see the biggest soup stain on my silver Versace dress. OMG. Even the perfect exterior isn't so perfect.

I see some other guests like Doubting Debby and Stressed Cindy walk past me, but I don't have the time to run a fashion commentary on them. Love has just seen through my veneer, and I must do something about it.

I walk into the party without as much as a second thought because finally I realize I also have my issues to deal with.


All rights belong to its author. It was published on e-Stories.org by demand of Oluwakemi Amusan.
Published on e-Stories.org on 11/18/2011.


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